…well, I never thought I’d bring this up again. But thanks to google photos and the free time on my hands I was ironically reminded of that time I actually did live with a guy who also happened to be Jewish. If you’ve not read anything else I’ve written you may not realize this yet but this is against everything my heart actually desires. 1 – to be unequally yoked and 2 – to go against everything God wants me to do to protect my heart. A part of me probably houses shame for this season but a bigger part celebrates the fact that I can openly share this being a part of my story!
Talk about getting to know one of the most amazing men on this planet, this guy definitely set the bar. I met him on a dating app (shocker, I know) while I was living in Orange County and he was in LA. Our first date was hours long and we couldn’t stop talking and getting to know each other. It was nice to finally have interest in someone with potential in California. I had been there for almost a year at this point and hadn’t made any true connections so it just felt satisfying at the time. I remember mentioning my faith several times unintentionally. God has always been a big part of my life, whether I try to drag Him along or truly seek Him first; I’ve always had a uniquely divine relationship with Him. So naturally, I brought Him up a ton in conversation. At one point towards the end of the night my ex finally mentioned something about his faith (or lack thereof) but I just kind of brushed it off.
I struggled with the idea of it over the next few days and made that pretty clear to him. Somehow we pushed through it and decided it was worth trying. Although I don’t regret it, I definitely would’ve saved the heartache by doing what I knew I needed to… but I didn’t. So now I’ve not only learned a hard lesson but one that I can accept into my story.
I kept trying to go to church on my own but there was a deep sadness in me that we couldn’t share that together. Keep in mind, at this point in my life I really hadn’t dated many christian men or guys that had a deep relationship with God. I think I had been praying over this for about 5 years by the time I met my ex. I remember begging God several times to change the desires of my heart to line up with what He wants for me but I never really took any action towards it. Matter of fact, I fell for almost every attempt the enemy plotted to keep me from doing exactly that! When I say my ex was amazing, it’s almost an understatement. And most other guys I had dated up until this point had been that way too. I was never into dating anyone shabby or not worth bragging about. There was just always the missing link of wanting them to have a spiritual connection with God and being led to live life in a way that showed it without having to say it.
Even when I strayed I knew God was there waiting on me. Looking back, I can see now that the further I walked away from Him the more distant and disconnected I felt which led me down a road of borderline depression. It wasn’t about my ex not being a great boyfriend or man worth seeing potential with. It was always about me walking away from what God wanted for me and falling for the easy roads that satisfied my fleshly desires.
There were a lot of sleepless nights before the breakup and I just couldn’t bring myself to leave. I thank God everyday for the way He orchestrated the end of our relationship but I sure did sabotage a ton along the way. I left kicking and screaming and I’ve come to realize I do that a lot.. especially in relationships! My grandfather passed away while I was dating my ex and when I went home to be with family and get back to my roots I was reminded of the promises God has made to me. I may not have understood God’s plan but I knew I could trust that He had one specifically for me and that it was better than any I could create on my own. So I started seeking Him…. again!
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11 New International Version (NIV)
As soon as I returned back to Los Angeles I just knew something had to change. I blamed my disconnection with my ex on outlandish things like resentment for him having a career he loved and me trying to figure out who I was and wanted to do. Or mustering up unfaithfulness in his conversations with women he worked with. Just things that had no bearing but it was all I could come up with to be able to ignore that it was simply what God was asking me to do. I knew I needed to let go of my relationship with my ex and trust that He has a plan for me.
I hope that whatever you’re going through, that you’ll take time to ask God to reveal if it is or is not what He has in store for you and to give you the courage to go down the path He is leading you on.
*The photo featured reminded me of building your house on sand and not on a solid foundation. I’ve learned this lesson one too many times and this was one I will forever be grateful for!
Build Your House on the Rock
24 “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. 26 And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand.27 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”